Daniel 12:8-9, The Rapture is Today!!

//My friends, the “time of the end” has finally arrived! Harold Camping, a former civil engineer, has unsealed the prophecies of Daniel so that we may understand. May 21, 2011, is Judgment Day.

Camping arrived at this date through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood. 200 million people–approximately 3% of the world’s population–will float up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. The rest of us will endure five more months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment. Then on October 21, the earth and universe will be forever destroyed.

In 1992 Mr. Camping predicted the rapture would be in 1994, but thankfully he now has uncovered newer evidence that makes the prophesy for this year certain. 1,000 billboards around the world proclaim May 21, 2011 as the beginning of the end. 150 stations owned by Camping’s Family Radio program promise the same thing, translated into several foreign languages and broadcast worldwide.

In 1970, Camping published The Biblical Calendar of History, which dated the creation of the world in the year 11,013 BC and Noah’s flood to 4,990 BC. This differs from traditional Bible dating, but Camping discovered that the word “begat” in the Old Testament did not necessarily imply an immediate father-son relationship. Thus, when one patriarch died, the next one who is mentioned was perhaps not his son but a distant multi-great grandson. This little subtlety greatly helped obscure the proper Biblical calendar from unenlightened readers, “sealing up the time of the end” until, of course, the day had arrived for God to reveal the proper way to read genealogies.

The Dubious Disciple respectfully suggests the following preparations as you ready yourself for this evening:

1. Loudly denounce all church affiliations you may have. Camping insists all churches have become apostate and must be abandoned. Listening to his Family Radio broadcast is ok.

2. Who will care for your loved ones after you float skyward? Rapture insurance can still be purchased on ebay: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=290567315968

3. Don’t forget about your pets! Who’s going to feed Fido? Eternal Earthbound Pets will ease your mind of this worry: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/Home_Page.html. This business employs only avowed atheists, so you can be confident they’ll still be around after the rapture.

4. Not sure you’re heaven-bound? Don’t bother to pack your burn ointment. Camping assures us there is no Hell for the Heathen, only annihilation.

5. If things don’t happen as planned, pick up my book tomorrow about Revelation at http://www.thewayithappened.com to learn what went wrong.